Goddamn it, Hollywood. Why do you need to reboot the Spider-man franchise? Huh? Sure, 3 sucked, but I don't think that really calls for a reboot. Are you seriously telling me 441 issues of just Amazing Spider-man (not Spectacular Spider-man, or Peter Parker: Spider-man, or Amazing's reboot, and not counting Ultimate or any other universes, just original Amazing) can only supply you dickweeds with 3 movies worth of material before you have to start again? What ever happened to Venom? How about Carnage? Or Vulture? Or a (not shit) re-imagining of the Clone Saga? I mean Jake Gyllenhaal is right there. Or introducing the Lizard after two fuckin' movies with Doc. Connors?
(Now before we go any further, let me underline the tragedy of this decision by pointing out that I will be going to see Amazing Spider-man next year. Like, at least two times. Sony Pictures will be taking money away from me by producing this movie, even if I oppose the idea of a reboot, and that's just not fair.)
Let's try and get some sort of timeline going, see if we can figure out this stupid, stupid decision.
What was wrong with Spider-man 3? I think we can blame cocaine dealers for this one, as clearly some sort of Hollywood-wide discount was offered around the time screenplay ideas were getting tossed around for S3.
"Okay, origins and Goblin in 1, Doc Ock and a little identity crisis in 2, great, great... *snifffff* BRING BACK THE GOBLIN FOR 3! EXCELLENT! GET HARRY IN A GOBLIN SUIT! MAKE HIM LIKE... LIKE A NEW GOBLIN! ONE THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A GOBLIN! FANTASTIC! *Sniffffff* FUCK THIS SHIT IS GOOD! AND VENOM! VENOM ALL OVER THIS BITCH! BLACK-SUIT SPIDEY! FUCK THAT'S EDGY! GET THEM ALL IN THERE! YES! FUCKING SANDMAN FOR SOME REASON!"
And so you made the most expensive turd 2007 could offer us. But despite one producers Columbian-snow fuelled attempt to cram 40 years of comics into one film, there is a hell of a lot of source material left over. At this point you're just rebooting for the sake of rebooting. 3 was bad, sure. But, Jesus, not Batman & Robin bad. A new director, maybe? Not cramming every bad guy you can think of into one sequel? Or I don't know less shitty ideas for movies?
What is the draw back of spreading out the 6ooo Spidey villains into maybe 2 movies? People will go see a movie with just Vulture in it. Shit throw Rhino in there and have some hilariously lame zoo puns headlining the Bugle. How about Clone Saga, with Jackal or Norman Osborn pulling the strings? (Gyllenhaal is right fucking there.)
But no, none of those things will happen. You're gonna reboot it. And we're gonna sit though another comic book origins movie, except we've seen it already. I don't really want to see Uncle Ben fucking die again, I don't know about you.
Okay, that's like 400 words without mentioning that in the last month 3 different people, separately, have arrived at the conclusion that I "look like Spider-man." That would be Tobey Maguire, Spider-man. Not this new kid, who's like fucking English or something. And a bunch of you Hollywood asshats are going to take that away from me because, shit, who doesn't love a reboot?
(Again, I will be seeing this movie like an absolute bare minimum of three to four times, since I'm a big ol' geek and it comes with the territory.)
But that does raise a valid point other than one of them was this cute girl what are you doing to me Hollywood? Which is: What about the cast? Sure, Franco is doing okay, after apparently turning to weed in order to cope and falling in with Seth Rogen's crowd. Dunst is perfectly suitable as any girl next door. But how about Tobey? What's poor Tobias up to these days? The Great Gatsby adaption? Oh Lord. I mean, these guys probably noticed that S3 was bad. During production, the second they read the screenplay, at some point they realized "Wow, the Sandman has no need whatsoever to appear in this film." Maybe they figured, hey, the next Spider-man movie we'll all be in won't be as bad.
But in the end you screwed them. You screwed Raimi too, even after a pretty okay job at directing Spider-man 3: Revenge of New Goblin Against Black Suit Spidey and Venom At The End Instead of Saving Him for S4 and Sandman For Reasons Unclear to Literally Everyone.
And speaking of screwing, you know who do statistically less of that? People who no longer look like Spider-man, you jerks.
The reboots have gone too far, Hollywood. One misstep doesn't mean a franchise should go directly to jail without passing Go. We don't need to start again because you did one little movie wrong. Spider-man 4 could be cool. Spider-man 5 could be cool. Maybe this new franchise can go the distance. Emma Stone's hot, so that's something. But I for one will always remember July 3, 2012 as the day I stopped looking "like Spider-man" (see, if it's in quotes I'm not an asshole). It will also be the day I spend all my disposable income on eight consecutive screenings of the same movie. This is the sort of power you have, Hollywood. And with great power, well...
Sincerely, Jacob Storm, who next year goes back to being a regular geek, instead of one that sort of, in the right light, if I got her drunk first, could be mistaken for Spider-man.
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