A Race Against Time (I've already lost)

I appreciate that there are a huge number of blogging sites out there (are there? I don't really know) and each offers similar services to blogspot here. So, you may be asking yourself (no one is asking themselves. I am aware of this), why did I pick this site?

The answer is quite simple. Daniel O'Brien uses this site. If you don't know who Daniel O'Brien is, then... What the fuck? Why are you reading my fucking blog? Get out of here.

Daniel O'Brien is, as far as I'm concerned, pretty much the Batman of blogging. Of internet comedy, really. I am totally serious. If I ever met the man I would offer to buy him a cape. This is of course only my opinion and if you think differently then before leaving a comment please note that I don't care what you think.

But, upon reading a few of his posts, purely because they are fucking hilarious, I realized something.

He is much, much, much funnier than me (don't laugh, he's funnier than you too). And upon creating a blogspot like him (we are, by the way, completely ignoring the fact that I stopped calling this site blogger), have placed myself in direct competition with that much, much, much funnier man.

You could reason that there are thousands of people on blogspot, and that the fact that I and The Dan are a small fraction of those people and are clearly in no way competing. You could reason. But in my delusional, learning-disabled and heavily medicated mind, we are. And direct_auxiliary's "sites I've joined" down there aren't fucking helping.

I spent a good few hours in the tub considering this (well, this and why all water I bathe in always does that) and have calmly and carefully decided what to do.

I am going to pretend to have never heard of Dan O'Brien. I will continue to read his articles on cracked.com, of course. He's fucking funny. But I'm not going to attribute all the articles to one Dark knight of Blogging. Instead I will pretend that they are a series of articles from completely different, equally hilarious people. This will allow me to delude myself into thinking that this is the average level of comedy on the Internet, and that I will be the person who will, one day, produce this kind of fantastic on a constant basis.

I suppose this means I'm the Batman in my metaphor. But in a very early stage of development. Like, innocent happy-go-lucky child Bruce Wayne. What I'm asking, I guess, is if someone out there would kindly kill my parents.

I'd greatly appreciate it. BUY OFFICE MAX.

I'm new here, please don't take my lunch money.

Hi There. I'm Jacob. That is my real name. I didn't create an Internet alias or something. And if I did, why would I use "Jacob"? I'd use something cool. Like "Corporal John LadyFucker". Hey, I like that. Call me that. No, just call me Jacob. Unless of course I'm not Jacob. Maybe I created a series of increasingly unbelievably cool names so that no one could track me down. Then I'd be unstoppable.

But no I'm Jacob. That was me going of on a random tangent. That's going to happen a lot.

I'm not sure how to go about writing this, because I don't know who I'm writing it for. Maybe you're a fan trying to find some of my early work (Is that it? Am I famous? Finally). Or maybe you're a fellow blogger here on Blogger.com, and you're having a look around. I'm leaning towards that one.

Hi there fellow blogger. Nice to see you. Being self-conscious to a level that is just ridiculous (an attribute bound to serve me well on the Internet), I imagine you're currently judging every decision I've made thus far in creating my blog. So let's go through all the things I probably did wrong while I try to justify them.

1:Giving my real name. (That just has to bite me in the ass. Off to a great start of justifying!)

2:Naming my blog. (I thought it was pretty funny, okay? Not to mention accurate, seeing as I don't think I've managed to type "I" a single time in this post yet without having to go back and capitalize it later. I also realize it doesn't fit in most of the places my title will be displayed.)

3:Selecting this template. (Yes, I selected the very first template. I'm so original. And no, I didn't do it to be ironic and state that I don't care either, because I'm not clever enough for irony. If something is stupid, I'll say it's stupid. The templates thing is stupid.)

4:Not using AdSense. (I doubt you actually noticed there are no ads on this page, but this is the one little app I was genuinely interested in using, because if I can earn money while being an idiot and spend far less time in intensive care than the guys from Jackass, I'll do it. Unfortunately, you have to be eighteen to sign up, and I'm not. So until then, BUY OFFICE MAX, okay?)

Aaaaand here we are. The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I chose to write this as though you are a fellow blogger. I mean, I certainly have no intention of going and reading any of the other bloggers bloggers (I feel this site could be named better), so I don't know why you're reading mine. But fuck it, I don't care. I'm sure I've done all sorts of shit wrong, so go ahead Internet, destroy me.

Corporal John ladyFucker, signing off.